


reminiscence

by orphan_account



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:14:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23172253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: acceptance is not instantaneous. that much, jeon wonwoo knows.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Yoon Jeonghan
Kudos: 10





	reminiscence

**A year ago**

Jeonghan is always calm. Even in a situation like this, he gently says “I’m okay.”

And for once in his life, Wonwoo is unnerved by Jeonghan’s immaculate smile, because this time it has a different meaning. It means “I’m sorry.” It means “this is my fault.”

**33 days ago**

“Don’t say it,” Wonwoo blurts out.

“You’ll need to accept it soon.” This time, he hears the strain in Jeonghan's voice.

“Yes, I know. And I'll try. But that only means I don’t need to accept it now.” Wonwoo replies in a hushed tone.

Jeonghan sighs in frustration. Wonwoo holds Jeonghan’s hands in his.

“I promise I’ll accept it soon.”

**19 days ago**

“Have you thought about it? About what’ll happen... after?” Jeonghan brings it up again, but Wonwoo is still passive. And unbelievably stubborn.

“Soon, remember?” Wonwoo tries to force a smile, hoping it would seem genuine in Jeonghan’s perspective. (It doesn't.)

**9 days ago**

“We don’t have much time. Tell me if you can do it or not. I don’t want to hurt you in the end.”

“But that’s inevitable. You can’t help it. I can’t help it. No matter what we do, and no matter how much talking happens between us, you’ll end up hurting me. And when you're already somewhere else, it mighy hurt you too.”

“I’m sor—”

“Stop. I love you. I always will. I already told you, I’ll accept it eventually. Trust me.”

**Today**

A sunny day. Then there’s black. And white. Friends. Family. A casket illuminated by sunlight.

Jeonghan’s mother wipes her tears away, fixes the microphone on the podium, and hesitantly starts to speak when the feedback dies down.

 _It wasn’t… Cancer isn’t easy. It’s a battle between life and death. Unfortunately, it’s more often that death wins. That's why we’re here today, isn’t it? Despite the rigorous procedures of trying to find a cure, my son_ — _your friend,_ and then she pauses to look at Wonwoo before she says, _your lover—_

She tries to control the sobs that deny her the ability to speak further, yet she forces the words out of her mouth.

_Jeonghan fought. For three years. I was the first one to know about it right after he got diagnosed with leukemia. We didn’t know how to handle it at first and that created problems between us. But we fixed it. I know that my son holds grudges. I also know that he is someone who can instantly forgive another. So, we didn’t have any unresolved conflicts before he passed away because of his kindness._

_Two years and a few more mishaps passed before he met Wonwoo. You know, aside from his chronic illness, that was also one thing I couldn’t absorb initially. We live in a heteronormative society. Naturally, I assumed that Jeonghan was only interested in… the opposite sex—in women—not men. Although it was a miraclr that Wonwoo appeared in Jeonghan's life; and my gratitude is knows no bounds. Wonwoo, if there are times when you don't feel that I accept you, please clear your mind of all the worries it shelters. You're like a son to me._

_I think it's also important for you to know that Jeonghan had another reason to live; and that was you. He always said to me that he wished he could have told you sooner, but last year just really seemed like the right time for him. Jeonghan somewhat regretted that. Maybe if he had told you the moment that he met you, you wouldn’t have ended up here, mourning the loss of your young lover. Oh, and, if he were still here, he’d be angry with me because he told me to keep all of this a secret._ The room is filled with a faint sound of laughter. 

Then Jeonghan’s mother continues: _But Wonwoo, Jeonghan thanks you eternally, I know. Your love was splendid and bright, and it seems that it would never wane. He wants you to live your life happily and healthily. Find love._

 _And to everyone here, please recall all your cherished memories with my son; but please don’t let his absence become a weight on your shoulders. Please do not mourn him forever, and let him have his peace._ Jeonghan’s mother sniffles and, almost inaudibly, says: _I don't exclude myself from this piece of advice. From here onwards, let us always hold Jeonghan’s formidable spirit, meekness, and unforgettable mischief in our hearts. May his soul find its way to paradise._

The eulogy ended, and it made Wonwoo feel less burdened. He always felt like it was his fault because he couldn’t do anything to save Jeonghan from his demise. But now that Jeonghan is in his casket, almost completely gone, Wonwoo has finally recognized---and began to grasp---the machinations of death.

He now knows that Jeonghan’s smile a year ago didn’t mean “I’m sorry,” nor did it mean “this is my fault.” It meant acceptance. When Wonwoo wasn’t prepared to accept this cycle of life and death, Jeonghan had already known what it was; or perhaps, Jeonghan foresaw the outcome of the game he played in the palm of death's hand. _He was always clever,_ Wonwoo thought to himself as he smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> "reminiscence" is very loosely based on some encounters of mine involving cancer. though sensitive, it's quite a common topic for me. 
> 
> on the other hand, it is heavily based on Haruki Murakami's quote from his book, Norwegian Wood: Death is not the opposite of life but an innate part of it. By living our lives, we nurture death.
> 
> (disclaimer: i only have surface knowledge regarding types of cancers, so i didn't delve much into it within the story. hence, it was only briefly mentioned instead of having been elaborated on.)
> 
> that's pretty much all i have to say. if you have any questions and/or feedback, please message me!


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